OPINION/SATIRE: ASEAN for everyone

Alan Robles - Hot Manila

Posted at May 19 2017 10:40 PM | Updated as of May 20 2017 11:42 AM

Why are nasty critics saying President Duterte accomplished nothing during his trips to Hong Kong, China and Cambodia? It is simply not true. Let's look at his concrete achievements:

First, he managed to get some much needed snooze time. This is an important component of the Duterte presidency. How else can the president recharge himself for his fabulous late night demented rants?

Second, his family and entourage got to do vital shopping and touring in Hong Kong.

Third, and most important, Duterte did something epic: he reshaped the world. He said he would support the membership applications of Turkey and Mongolia to ASEAN.

Do you know how earthshaking this is? Our glorious leader has actually managed to add new distinguished members to an old organization, something no other ASEAN leader has been able to do.

What's that you say? Turkey and Mongolia are not part of Southeast Asia? That is a MINOR technicality. Instead of being useless yellowtards, we should help the President focus on the mechanics of admitting the two countries.

Here are some ideas:

It should be called the Obosen Initiative and the two applicant countries should be subjected to the Fentanyl Criterion:

1. Do they believe that drugs are a menace that threaten to engulf the world and parts of Davao City?

2. Do they believe drug criminals, addicts, suspects, bystanders, kids and old people should be murdered?

3. Do they agree that human rights advocates should be beheaded?
Once the countries answer these properly, Foreign Affairs Secretary Cayetano will proceed with the urgent and crucial task of folding, mashing, cutting and pasting all available maps and globes in the Philippines so that they show Turkey and Mongolia are in Southeast Asia. Maybe they can squeeze them into that space behind the Philippines in the Pacific Ocean. Secretary Andollar's crack troll team will meanwhile get into the job of rewriting all Wikipedia entries to reflect the fact that the two countries are indeed in Southeast Asia.

If this isn't enough to get the two accepted, Cayetano will lobby to consolidate the two as ONE country with the name of either Turkgolia or Mongkey.

Why shouldn't they be part of Southeast Asia? Haven't you heard that ASEAN already has expanded? First there was Asean Plus Three, with China, Japan and South Korea. This became Asean Plus Six, with India, New Zealand and Australia. 

We could call this latest Duterte initiative Asean Plus Ewan. The framework would leave room for the addition of Atlantis, Lemuria and the planet Venus. 

Venus? Why not? We all know the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) declared Duterte the best president in the Solar System, so he has some influence there right?

Wait! What's that noise? A motorcycle? Whoops gotta go

(Exit, pursued by tandem riders)

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Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.