Dear Philippine democracy, have you been feeling listless and sleepy? Are you sick and tired of human rights? Do freedom and liberty give you migraine? When you hear the words "writ of habeas corpus," do you suffer vertigo and nosebleed?
Bad news: you might be suffering from political anemia.
Good news: the pharmaceutical company DigongMy Labs, has just what you need!
New and fortified MARTIAL LAW is the exciting cure guaranteed to remove yellow jaundice and put blood back in your politics and in your streets!
Based on a traditional recipe handed down from the Marcos family, MARTIAL LAW works by purging your politics of useless elements such as freedom, justice, human rights, constitutional protections and due process.
How effective is MARTIAL LAW? Let's look at this poor victim of political anemia:
Citizen: Why is government encouraging extrajudicial killings? It's not right. It's terrible.
Clearly, this citizen is suffering from yellowtarditis - TOO MUCH DEMOCRACY! Here, citizen, have some MARTIAL LAW.
Armed men on motorcycles drag citizen away and beat him to a pulp. [itals]
Just what the doctor ordered! No more problem!
Approved by all good docile Supreme Court justices, MARTIAL LAW is simple and effective. Simply swallow DigongMy Labs' magic blue pill. Its special fentanyl additive will knock you unconscious and paralyze most of your brain functions. When you wake up, you will realize that everything is the fault of... drugs! Terrorism? Drugs. Petty crime? Drugs. Corruption? Drugs. Heavy traffic? Drugs. Defective LRT? Drugs. Boss hates you? Drugs.
Then you will realize that DRUGS can only be solved with MARTIAL LAW and start screaming enthusiastically "MARTIAL LAW should be the rule of the land. MARTIAL LAW NOW!"
Then watch as MARTIAL LAW takes effect and cleanses your democracy. It will arrest your anemia. And political opponents. And critics. And journalists. And anybody who talks too much.
Fortified with active ingredients TOKHANG and TANDEM, MARTIAL LAW has nutrients guaranteed to enrich congressmen and senators. Its unique COLLATERAL DAMAGE and PACKING TAPE ACTION will soon sweep your streets of crime and many living humans.
But who cares about living humans? WHO NEEDS A JUSTICE SYSTEM, and PUNY HUMAN RIGHTS!
Just listen to the thousands of people who have felt MARTIAL LAW and can attest to its effectiveness:
** crickets **
Hmm, seems you can't hear them because they're dead.
Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.