OPINION/SATIRE: Test yourself: Are you a drug addict?

Alan Robles -- Hot Manila

Posted at Jun 29 2018 09:05 PM

Are you a drug addict? "Of course not!" you'll strongly deny. 

But then, one night your taped-up body will be found on the street, lying beside packets of shabu and a .38 caliber pistol. Yes, yes, you DON'T have a pistol or packets of shabu, but how will you explain that to anyone if you're dead?

All of this could be avoided if you determined early you are actually a drug addict. You continue denying it, but you could be secretly one and not know it, ever thought about that? 

Thankfully, the supersmart guys at the Presidential Communications Operations Office (PCOO) have come to your rescue. They've devised a simple yet sophisticated test for you to find out if you're really a drug addict. All you have to do is answer several simple questions. What your answers will show about you might shock you. 

Ready for the test?

1. Do you stand around loitering on the street?
 a. No
 b. Yes I'm a drug addict

2. When you do stand around loitering do you wear a shirt?
 a. No
 b. Yes I'm a drug addict

3. Are you in favor of being arbitrarily picked up with no warrant and in violation of your human rights? 
 a. Yes 
 b. No I'm a drug addict

4. Do you love President Duterte?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict

5. Do you agree with all of the policies of the Duterte government?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict

6. Do you find government's so-called statistics on the drug war credible?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict
 
7. Do you favor a new constitution that will entrench all the trapos in power forever?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict

8. . Do you favor giving territory to China?
 a. Yes
 b.. No I'm a drug addict
 
9. Do you love the Marcoses?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict

10. Do you agree that tourism secretaries secretaries can give PHP 60 million in public funds to their brothers?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict

11. Do you agree that the solicitor general can bag hundreds of millions in contracts for his company?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict

12. Is the country really called Norwegia?
 a. Yes
 b. No I'm a drug addict
 
How to score: if you chose (b) as an answer to any question, then sad to say, you are a drug addict. PCOO recommends staying home, keeping your shirt on while avoiding police attention. Lock yourself in a room and just read Mocha Uson's posts. Pretty soon your brain will melt and you will need fentanyl. But then you already are a drug addict, you drug addict.

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.