OPINION/SATIRE: The shirtless and the dead

Alan Robles -- Hot Manila

Posted at Jun 22 2018 07:07 PM

This is Police Super General Marcos Dampot-Kaladkad and I am here to explain the campaign against lawless elements.

Now, some of you -- who are probably corrupt dilawan in the pay of drug lords who are not from China -- have been complaining. You've been complaining about the campaign to arrest lawless elements. You shout that it's against the law to round up people who are standing on the streets doing nothing. You scream it's a human rights violation to bring these people to jail and charge them with loitering.

What human rights violation are you talking about? Don't you ignorant dilawan subversives know that this campaign is perfectly legal and respects human rights?

It's legal to pick up people who are standing on the streets. Why? Because our mylabs president says so! He said to pick up people who stand around on the streets. That's the law. Whatever our mylabs president says is the law. Unless it's another president. Then it's against the law. 

The campaign against loitering criminals respects human rights because there is a clear set of procedures and protocols. Here, let me read out to you our instructions and guidelines. It's very clear.

1. If you stand around on the street looking suspicious, police officers will check the time of day. If it's evening, you will be arrested. If it's daytime, you will be arrested.

2. If you stand around on the street and you're not wearing a shirt, you will be arrested. Unless you're a young female sexy dancer, in which case you will be photographed. And then you will be arrested. Or appointed undersecretary. It depends.

3. If you stand around inside your house without a shirt, you will be arrested.

4. If you stay in your house and the police see you and believe you are suspicious, you will be arrested.

5. If you stand in your house and the police cannot see you but think you're suspicious, you will be arrested.

6. If you're sleeping in your house, you will be arrested. This is just to cover special contingencies.

7. If the police feel like arresting you, you will be arrested. This is called our "wala lang" contingency and we expect our supreme court will uphold it. If it knows what's good for it.

8. The suspect is given two choices: he can come along, or refuse. If he refuses, he will be beaten black and blue until he agrees.

9. In the precinct, the suspect is given two choices: step inside the cell or refuse. If he refuses he will be beaten black and blue and then locked in the cell.

10. If any suspect resists being beaten up, he will be shot. If he survives he will be beaten black and blue.

There! Clear as day, right? Everything legal and spelled out. 

What about these stupid accusations about suspects being maltreated in jail? We also have rules for that. All suspects are entitled to one episode of shortness of breath. If it results in death it is not the fault of the police. The dilawan will be blamed.

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.